The beginning of the story

The thing with telling the story of this pregnancy is that I have a hard time without mentioning that this isn’t my first pregnancy.

When I turned 29 last summer, we decided that we should start our family soon so that we could have a few kids before my age was too advanced, but we still had two mortgages and decided to wait until after our other house sold to start trying. We got pregnant in our first month or trying, in November. I started having symptoms right away so the pregnancy test, while super exciting, wasn’t that much of a surprise- it just confirmed that what we’d been joking about for a couple of weeks was actually true. It was fun having a secret between the two of us,  and we figured we’d tell our families at Christmas and start telling our friends around New Year’s.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the plan that God had for us. I started bleeding around December 17th, and after a few confirmatory doctor’s visits and a week of bleeding determined that the pregnancy had ended around 6 weeks. It was weird taking a sick day from work for it and having all the guys in the office assume that I had H1N1 so I was probably contagious. No, guys, I don’t think what I have is something you can get. Christmas was a bittersweet time of visiting family but grieving at the same time and wondering what the future held for us.

When we found out we were pregnant again in March it was kind of hard to believe. Obviously I knew it was possible, but I had started to think the worst about our chances of fertility (rationally I knew it hadn’t been long, but my hormones were all over the place!). It was also an emotional time because we took the pregnancy test on the same day that one of my cousins died in a car accident. So we were hesitant to celebrate, and it felt like it wasn’t the right time for that either. We did tell our families earlier this time so that they could be praying with us for health and safety from an earlier time.

It took longer to tell a lot of other people, though. I had only shared about my miscarriage with a few close friends – part of me didn’t want to revisit the grief every time I saw someone new, and it just seemed like a heavy thing to throw out into a conversation. We told friends that knew about the miscarriage about the new pregnancy between 5 and 8 weeks, but even after we started talking about it I couldn’t make a general announcement for a longer time. There were people who needed to be told individually, but I had to explain our hesitancy in celebrating and it’s such a weird thing to say “hey, we’re pregnant, but don’t celebrate too much because we lost one already so we’re waiting to be excited”. I’m sure it’s a shared feeling among many people who have gone through this experience, and I understand why common practice is to wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone now, as exciting as that first pregnancy test is.

I’m 15 weeks now and all signs are pointing to a healthy pregnancy. We still get pretty jumpy with any cramps or pain, but are trying to keep things in perspective and for at least the last month have been doing the fun stuff of preparing for baby, too – looking at furniture and tucking away a few clothes and toys from garage sales. I can see God’s timing in this some neat ways too, and I’m sure He’s got a lot more in mind that we have no idea of yet.

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One thought on “The beginning of the story

  1. micahandheather says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. That seems a little strange to say in light of the current pregnancy, but I’m still so sorry. I can only imagine the emotions & feelings that would go along with losing a baby.

    Thanks for sharing your story. We are really excited for you & I will be praying for God’s peace in a special way for you & Carl!

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